Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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