she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
