fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
