i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
