I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
