I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ambien. No doubt about it.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
