there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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