So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
