Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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