Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
