You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
