pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
