i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
