im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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