I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
