it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
