oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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