I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
