The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
