I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
