The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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