I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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