I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Actions speak louder than pants.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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