I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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