Your face is a jimmy john
someone owes me an orgasm
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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