My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I would ride that face into the sunset
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
