i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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