He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
