When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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