NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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