I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
