I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
