mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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