My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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