I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
