I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
