i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
