Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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