My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This is my gift to your gina
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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