i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
