All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
