he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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