just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
