Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
