his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
