quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
