i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
