two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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