Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
