seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The feeling are messing with the penis
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
