every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
