I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
