I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
And then he peed in my hair
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
