seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
